Tag: obsessive compulsive dissorder

“I’m Not Part of the World”

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Third grade has been uniquely challenging for Wesley. His severe OCD and ADHD make it difficult to learn and operate the way a kiddo in 3rd grade is expected to.

Repeatedly through the year he has shared that he wishes he could do his life over again. This is why I’m really struggling to stomach what he shared with me this week. He finally admitted that he feels he can never measure up to his teacher’s expectations. He often wants help but has become hesitant to raise his hand. Then the bomb dropped on my heart. He shared that she makes him feel “Like…I’m not part of the world.” “Oh really, that’s terrible!” Do you think other kids feel that way too? No. Does she make you feel embarrassed? Yes, every day. On a scale of 10 how much does she make you feel weird, like you don’t fit in? “20. It’s just wrong.“

I’ve been waiting for this. The hard-nosed educator that drives hard on outcomes. The one that most kids can rise to the occasion for. I’ve been waiting for this because so much of this approach represents who I was with Wes before countless hours of training, learning and experiencing humbling moments facing the OCD flea. IF ONLY. It’s just not that easy. Logic doesn’t work. Only grace and love works.

As his mom, his protector, these experiences leave you feeling so incredibly helpless. Should I shift him to a special needs school? Hire an in-home teacher? Otherwise, I have to send my son into an environment that is slowly hardening his heart. After he shared his feelings with me he was adamant that discussing anything with the school was useless. It hurts me so deeply. Angers me. This teacher is getting the best version of my son so far. If only she could have seen my son with his eyes glazed over, manic and unreachable.

This educator is teaching us something. It’s just not what she thinks it is. We are learning to adapt, to cope, to advocate, to forgive. And, before bedtime each day for the forseeable future, you’ll find me pulling out a daily checklist I’ve created to check in with my son on the things that really matter – the things that weigh into his mental health.

Peace & Victory,

JM

Identity

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“OCD is mean.” Those were the first words that came to mind for my son when I asked him how he would describe himself. My heart sunk. I have so much more work to do as this little boy’s mamma.

Battling the OCD flea has taken center stage in the first 7 years of my son’s life. The two years since his diagnosis have been filled with trips to therapy, psychiatrist visits, daily and sometimes multiple-time-a-day exposure therapies and ongoing cognitive behavioral coaching around specific daily behaviors.

We’ve reached a bittersweet point of acceptance with OCD. We have our son back. Yet, we’re armed and ready to strike at the next assault. One of those recently was checking for spiders. Yes. It’s normal for a kid to be creeped out at spiders. What’s NOT normal is waking up at 3:30 AM and refusing to fall back asleep out of fear and ransacking the house with the vacuum in one hand and with spider spray in the other, looking under rugs and re-visiting the same spots over and over again unnecessarily. I knew it was OCD when he paused on our way out of school to inspect a tidy and perfectly spider-free corner outside the school. He crouched down close to it and shared matter-of-factly that there were probably spiders there. He then looke to state that there were probably spiders there and pointed to a drain pipe to ask if I thought they came from there. That is NOT normal.

This time was different. After asking me the question about whether I thought they were coming out of the drain pipe I simply said, “That sounds like an OCD question,” – refusing to answer. I prayed he’d recognized it for what it was. His long term management of this means he needs to be able to identify OCD on his own and fight back on his own volition. Without skipping a beat he piped up in response. “Yeah, OCD REAAAALLLLLY wants to know that!” BINGO. Hallelujah, a sweet victory that melted my heart and put the best smile on my face. We can do it. HE can do it.

Maybe his identity will be in conquering hard things. Maybe it will be in the empathy he has developed or the sense of humor that helps make hard and awkward things more palatable. Whatever it is, I’m grateful to get the opportunity to with each victory give us space to focus on other things to nurture his identity – not just OCD.

Peace & Victory.

JM

Guardian Angels

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There will be people on Wes’ journey that watch out for him. It doesn’t always have to be you. Those words couldn’t be more true.

I’m starting to see all the different things that could make friendships challenging for Wes. He simply doesn’t want to do the things other kids want to do at 6 years old. For Wes, the anxiety is worse than punishments, ultimatums and/or the excitement of doing something fun. For instance, I’m trying to adopt Christmas traditions that we loved growing up. What’s the most obvious? Christmas lights. “Wes, let’s get some hot chocolate ready and hit the road to see some cool Christmas lights!” “No, maybe later.” Hard pass. Seriously?! .”..but….HOT CHOCOLATE!” Still no. After a comprehensive debate and full-on bribery using every ounce of creativity, I finally convinced him.

“Want to play outside?” Wes’ friend pleaded. His response? You guessed it. No thanks. However, this particular friend is a little different than all the rest. One day out of the blue Wes had shared with him that he has OCD. From the other room, I leaned forward to pick up more of the conversation. He explained how sometimes his brain gets stuck. And things have to be just right all the time. While I was proud of him for so confidently sharing this I also worried about him getting made fun of for being different. Kids can be mean.

Wow is this kid proving me wrong. Yes, kids can be mean. They can also empathize and protect in ways I never thought possible. Not too long after Wes shared his challenges with his buddy a cool thing happened. They were debating what to watch on TV and Wes was stuck on a particular type of show that he always watches. “Wes, now’s your chance! You can fight OCD! You don’t HAVE to watch that, you can watch something different!” This epiphany came from the purest and most genuine caring places. And, Wes flipped the channel. On another occasion, this same little buddy pleaded for Wes to come play outside. “I know it’s harder for you, Wes.” Wow, just wow. His buddy was patient yet persistent and sure enough he finally broke down in agreement and had fun.

Even adults find it hard to stand up for what they believe in and for other people. And, Wes has a friend that’s strong enough to do just that. The other day on the playground, Wes was lazing around in a swing that’s shaped like a little saucer. Some bigger kids started to push it around and Wes didn’t want to be pushed around. His buddy picked up on what was happening, seeing his friend in distress. Rather than join in jokingly or walk away his little buddy stood up for Wes and asked them to stop. WOW.

There’s a choice we make when people are different than us. We can protect and watch out for them or ostracize them. Appreciate their differences or make them feel like they don’t belong. Empathize or judge. And, I’m so incredibly inspired by Wes’ little buddy; that such a small person can think so BIG.

My friend was right. There ARE guardian angels that will watch out for him. I don’t have to be there every minute.

Peace & Victory,

JM

Inspired

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“So, there’s hope,” my friend joked, glancing between my six-year-old son calmly playing by himself and her sweet little two-year-old boy running around the play place wreaking havoc (as he should!). YES. In Wesley’s words, I agree ‘ten thousand.’

We’d met at a little cafe that had opened just a few days prior called ‘Inspired Play Cafe.’ I learned later that the woman working the counter, Bianca, had opened the cafe literally for me and my girlfriend, so to speak. She designed it to give moms like us a place to get yummy food and coffee while entertaining our kids with stuff that promotes creative thinking and exploration. Score! Yes, please, sign me up!

That little cafe experience caught me completely off-guard. I enjoyed the yummy food and fun environment. I enjoyed the coffee with whip cream on top. What I didn’t expect was to see the breakthrough my son had that day as I watched him in awe, mesmerized. He invented one thing after another in rapid-fire succession. Sitting at the cafe’s craft table for several hours he built stick creatures; block mansions and towers; houses on stilts; you name it, he built it. So unlike his typical reaction to places like this where he may push a few things around then ask to go home. His psychologist shared that it’s often easier to opt-out of things and stay home instead of taking a risk OCD will show up and bother him. I was the one inspired.

The OCD Flea only reared his ugly head once when Bianca brought over a magnetized building set just for him. He glanced quickly at it. Then he ignored her attempts to teach him what to do with it and relocated to the opposite side of the table further away from us. Confused and feeling guilty about Wesley’s reaction, I took one of the tiny cylinder magnetic pieces and held it up to Wesley. “How much does OCD not like this on a scale from zero to ten?” “Zero.” OK. Still puzzled. “What about this one?” I asked, holding up a shiny silver magnetic sphere. Immediate rejection. “OCD REALLY doesn’t like that.” There’s something about circles! Ack. Sitting at the Inspired Cafe craft table is definitely not the time for a new exposure therapy exercise.

Wesley was able to move on and build a series of other great things with ease after I returned the magnetic set. Earlier in the week, we had started him on a low dose of an ADHD medicine to complement his Prozac. The doctors have been hesitant to do it out of concern that stimulants could exacerbate his OCD symptoms which is the tougher opponent for us. The advice to hold off had been firm until a recent counting and math compulsion surfaced. I don’t know to expect longer-term with this combination. However, what I DO know with absolute certainty however is that I felt like I won a little more of my son back sitting there at Inspired Play Cafe.

There is most definitely hope. It might not mean it will ‘get easier,’ but there IS hope.

Peace & Victory

JM

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