“I’m Not Part of the World”

Third grade has been uniquely challenging for Wesley. His severe OCD and ADHD make it difficult to learn and operate the way a kiddo in 3rd grade is expected to.

Repeatedly through the year he has shared that he wishes he could do his life over again. This is why I’m really struggling to stomach what he shared with me this week. He finally admitted that he feels he can never measure up to his teacher’s expectations. He often wants help but has become hesitant to raise his hand. Then the bomb dropped on my heart. He shared that she makes him feel “Like…I’m not part of the world.” “Oh really, that’s terrible!” Do you think other kids feel that way too? No. Does she make you feel embarrassed? Yes, every day. On a scale of 10 how much does she make you feel weird, like you don’t fit in? “20. It’s just wrong.“

I’ve been waiting for this. The hard-nosed educator that drives hard on outcomes. The one that most kids can rise to the occasion for. I’ve been waiting for this because so much of this approach represents who I was with Wes before countless hours of training, learning and experiencing humbling moments facing the OCD flea. IF ONLY. It’s just not that easy. Logic doesn’t work. Only grace and love works.

As his mom, his protector, these experiences leave you feeling so incredibly helpless. Should I shift him to a special needs school? Hire an in-home teacher? Otherwise, I have to send my son into an environment that is slowly hardening his heart. After he shared his feelings with me he was adamant that discussing anything with the school was useless. It hurts me so deeply. Angers me. This teacher is getting the best version of my son so far. If only she could have seen my son with his eyes glazed over, manic and unreachable.

This educator is teaching us something. It’s just not what she thinks it is. We are learning to adapt, to cope, to advocate, to forgive. And, before bedtime each day for the forseeable future, you’ll find me pulling out a daily checklist I’ve created to check in with my son on the things that really matter – the things that weigh into his mental health.

Peace & Victory,

JM