“I can’t breathe.” Over and over again tonight my sweet son would say this as his chest rose dramatically up and down taking deep breaths every so often. And, nothing I could do would help. Not snuggles during a movie. Not a foot and back messages. Not books, distractions, crafts, deep breathing or grounding techniques.
The summer started off great. Wes was happy. No new concerns or compulsions. I even felt he didn’t need to keep taking the ADHD medicine he was on after skipping a week-end. He seemed to be calm, highly focused and happy. Until he wasn’t.
The OCD Flea has successfully regained some hard-won territory. It starts small. This year it started with heightened sensory issues. He’d been bitten by a few mosquitos and he began compulsively attending to them with salve repeatedly. Then, he pushed back on us for asking him to wear his life jacket. He hated the feeling of anything damp on his skin. That led to an outright refusal to wear swimshorts unless he was swimming. He’d request dry clothes almost immediately after getting in the water. He was desperate to feel ‘Just Right.’
This season peaked last night when in an almost manic state he argued with me that self-harm made him feel better. In desperation, he screamed into his pillow. “You just don’t understand! When I do it, it helps. It helped!” Yup, that’s the trick the OCD flea plays. If you do what I want you to do then you’ll feel ‘Just Right’…you’ll feel better. I gently, carefully shared that we can’t let the OCD Flea win. Hurting yourself is a recently designated “unacceptable” behavior. It results in lost privileges. The consequence feels so unfair to dole out to a child facing something so tough. Isn’t life so unfair already?
I did it anyway. And, today when my son got home from camp he had to miss out on going to the pool with his friends and playing with his favorite toys. He was sad, but he never questioned it. Instead, he looked absolutely drained and tired. I could feel his anxiety from a floor away. I set him up with an audiobook and crafts to make for one of his favorite people. He labored away making every detail just so. Did it help? Yes….no….maybe? I don’t know! He made beautiful work. He focused for a long time on creating his best creation.
The gasping for breath never stopped though. Eventually, he said he wanted to see one of his favorite people he hadn’t seen since school ended a month and a half ago – his blessing of a 1st grade teacher. And by the grace of God she was open to us dropping his gifts off and chatting. I never got in a car so fast in my life. It was 7PM and an hour from my son’s bedtime but I would have done anything to help him. We jumped in the car and drove 15 minutes away.
His breathing finally slowed when he saw her. She was so excited to see him, asking about his summer and commenting on how he was growing. It meant absolutely everything to him. She showed him around her new place and patiently made sure he could see their sweet cat. She talked openly with him about taking deep breaths and he shyly asked if she had any other ‘anxiety things’ she could show him.
“I had the best night ever,” were the first words out of my son’s mouth as we walked back to the car. And, I’m so grateful to have angels like her to help smooth our path.
Peace & Victory,
JM
Defeating the OCD Flea 