September 8, 2021. – My favorite moments as a mamma are snuggled next to my six-year old son after teeth are brushed and stories are read. Every so often at this most precious time of day he’ll share his life with me. He’ll share secrets, silly jokes and pranks, stories… and sometimes fears and insecurities that have been expertly bottled up and buried deep inside. Tonight, the latter left me feeling broken and defeated by the demon we’re always fighting – the OCD Flea.
As I lay snuggling beside my son he looked at me and nonchalantly shared, “I’m sorry to say this, but I’d like to be an army guy.” How unusual, I thought. It wasn’t like him at all. Then, reflecting I shared that I’d support whatever he chose to do yet I didn’t love the idea of him ever getting hurt. I asked him what made him decide that might be something he’d like to do. In defense, he declared, “Well, I’d save the world.” A noble cause indeed. Who could argue!
After that peculiar proclamation he admitted out of the blue that he just doesn’t want to fight OCD anymore. He sighed and shared ‘I’m bored all the time. I just want to let OCD win.” Knowing the importance of the conversation I put our little nipping yipping puppy in his kennel and came back to his bedside. He sighed again and shared that he hates having O.C.D. Then, he said something that hit me like a two by four to the chest. “I’d walk right up to the other army guy and I’d SHOOT HIM IN THE FACE. Then, he’d shoot me STRAIGHT BACK in the face. And, I’d be dead. I wouldn’t have to deal with OCD anymore.
I knew this was a moment to strengthen that bond with my son. To be there for him even though I can’t take his burden from him. Thanks to my latest binge-learning from the Happy Child Parenting app, I listened as intently as I could with no judgement when all I wanted to say was “You’re so wrong, don’t give up. This is silly, it’s all going to be OK. Not a big deal.” Instead I dug up the best emotional labels I could for the situation to try to name how he was feeling. You must feel so bullied? Yes. So exhausted from fighting OCD Flea all day. Yes. Frustrated and helpless. Yes. He rolled over to me eventually. After I hugged him and kissed his face he fell to sleep as I whispered that we will not let OCD win, I won’t let him win and he doesn’t have to fight him alone. I was sorry he had to deal with OCD Flea and these intrusive thoughts.
There are dozens of things I could have said. Nothing feels like it could have been enough for that moment. That’s my own exposure therapy exercise. Overcoming discomfort that I will never be able to fix it. Overcoming the fear that at some moment life won’t be worth living. Yet, he’s just beginning.
Victory & Peace
-JM
Defeating the OCD Flea 